Rader of the Lost Art

My Beautiful Career Installment 13

2010-03-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Yet I was still closeted at work. I didn’t pretend to be straight; I was just silent, which was ironic, since ACT UP’s main catchphrase was “Silence Equals Death”. I came out as gay to only 3 people on the job during this period, timidly testing the waters.

I came out officially on the Monday morning after The 1988 March On Sacramento. I was working at D.I.C. again, on “ALF” and “Alftails”. While we were settling in at our desks, a fellow artist asked me what I had done that weekend.

I thought, “When am I going to start being honest if not now?” So I told him. He asked, “Why did you do that?” “Because I’m Gay”, I replied to him and the six or seven other artists within earshot.

My career didn’t end. I wasn’t fired or

ostracized.

However, I discovered the weird thing about coming out is that it never ends. I’d assumed that once I did it the first time that I’d never have to do it again. However, I seem to have to wrestle with it every time I meet someone or find myself in a new situation. Now I deal with it by referring to my “spouse” when I talk about my life. If people make gender assumptions, I politely correct them.

Avengers Model Sheets

2010-02-22T22:30:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to transition to being a character designer as well as a storyboard artist. Here are model sheets done for a dream animation project: the Avengers Kree-Skrull war. As much as I love Neal Adams, I have no desire to imitate his style at this phase of my artistic development.

My Beautiful Career Installment 12

2010-02-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

The 80’s was a devastating time, as the first A.I.D.S. cases became known. Friends were dying and there was no effective treatment. Getting the disease was a death sentence, and the gay community was scared and angry. The media was calling it a “Gay Disease”

I became active in Gay politics after John and I attended the second Gay and Lesbian March on Washington in October of ‘87. The response of the Reagan Administration to A.I.D.S. in general (he never once even mentioned the word “A.I.D.S. while in office), and to the March in particular politicized me. I joined ACT UP (AIDS Co-Alition to Unleash Power) LA because it seemed to be the only political game in town. I drew cartoons for the monthly newsletter, painted signs and placards, carried those signs and placards during marches and demonstrations.

My Beautiful Career Installment 11

2010-02-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

In the fall of ’86.I left D.I.C., moving to Kushner-Locke where I worked on “Spiral Zone”. D.I.C. wouldn’t give me a raise to $850 a week. Kushner-Locke was paying the amazing-for-the-time sum of $1300, but they wanted half an episode in 2 weeks. The director, Warren Greenwood, let us work at home if we wanted. I got into the bad habit of procrastinating most of week 1, getting into gear in week 2, and doing the bulk of the board in the last 2 days. I’d start in Sunday morning and work around the clock without sleeping to meet the late Monday afternoon deadline. I liked it in a lot of ways; the work would flow from my pencil, as Alex Toth once said, “like water”.

However, it ended up giving me carpal tunnel syndrome at the age of 27, and I’ve been struggling with the condition ever since. Typically, my hand would start to bug me in the last couple of hours before deadline. On that fateful Monday morning in the spring of ’87, my hand started to hurt around 8:00 am. By the time I handed in at 5:00pm, I could barely hold a pencil, and I didn’t snap back the next day. I had to go on Disability, in fact, unable to work for over 2 months. I wasn’t fully recovered by the time I started at Bakshi Productions on the first season of “Mighty Mouse”.

Since then, I’ve had to gradually change my working style. I can no longer afford to blow off when uninspired, since I know I won’t be able to make it up on the back end. I have to put in the pencil mileage, 8 hours a day, whether I like it or not, whether I think it’s good or not. Actually, it’s turned out pretty well; I’ve done most of my best work since then. What I hate at the time turns out to be mostly usable in retrospect.

Following the advice of a chiropractor, I got a timer; every 20 minutes I would stop and do some form of exercise or stretch. This keeps me functioning. I also avoid doing free-lance while I have a day job. I use my spare time to do my own projects; when I do overtime freelance I risk relapsing my hands. It seems weird, by I’m certain there’s a psychological component to over-use syndrome, at least for me.

My Beautiful Career Installment 10

2010-02-08T21:35:00.000-08:00

My life changed forever when I met my future spouse, John Callahan, in September 5, 1985. We moved in together in September 21,1986, and had our commitment ceremony on January 18, 1987.

We met at The Anti Club, a punk/new wave dive across from LA City College. on Melrose Avenue. It was Thursday, the weekly poetry/acoustic night. I went to hear my friend, Robin Podolsky, read her poetry.

John was working the door. I gave him my money and thought, “What a hot guy; too bad he’s probably straight”. He was swarthy, heavyset, ugly/handsome in an Ernest Borgnine/James Gandalfini kind of way. I was surprised, later on, after Robin read, to see her talking to this hot stranger like they were old, best, friends. Once alone, I asked Robin who he was. “Him? He’s John Callahan; he used to be in “Age of Consent”. Do you want me to introduce you?”

(For those who don’t know, “Age of Consent” was one of the first rap bands on the West Coast, and the first openly gay rap band ever, active between 1981 and 1884. Their music can be heard and purchased at www.ageofconsentrap.com . I had heard them on KPFK’s Lesbian/Gay day in 1983. The trio’s (John Callahan, David Hughes and Thea Other) raps were political, humorous; two white gay guys and a white straight chick making absolutely no attempt whatsoever to sound soulful or black. I was an immediate fan.)
“No," I told Robin, "I can take care of that myself.” I approached him later, and struck up a conversation under the pretext of asking his advice about performing publicly. (I sing and play the guitar, and have done open mike on occasion.) I let him go on at length before I told him the real reason I was talking to him was that I thought he was really hot, and I’d like to get with him. He somewhat taken aback, but said he wasn’t opposed to the idea. He warned me that I needed to decide whether I wanted a quick lay or a possible relationship. If I chose the former, I was unlikely to get the latter. I chose the latter, and the rest is history.

My Beautiful Career Installment 9

2010-02-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

During this period, I continued to try to break into my true love, comics. My pattern, through the remainder of the 80’s would be to work up a new portfolio in time for San Diego Comic-Con, get rejected by all and sundry, and sulk until Spring of the following year, when I’d notice Comic-Con was approaching and do a new portfolio. This dynamic played out until the spring of ’91, when I met Tim Gula on the “Batman” crew. He advised me to execute 2 new pages a week and keep sending them to every editor listed. I was never THAT hardcore; I managed a page a week for about 4 months. But that lead me to getting noticed by Neal Pozner at DC, who got me my first gig, pencilling 3 issues of the “Batman Adventures” comic book. Check out my pre-professional comic pages

My Beautiful Career, Installment 8

2010-01-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

Kevin Altieri

Eddie Fitzgerald

Storyboard Panel From Kid Video

I fell in with fellow board artists Eddie Fitzgerald and Kevin Altieri. Before meeting them, I’d taken it as a given that American TV animation had to suck. They were adamant that there was no reason why it couldn’t be as cool as the classic WB stuff (Eddie) or the anime starting to emerge from Japan (Kevin). I caught their fire; why SHOULDN’T American animation be good? It wasn’t a budget problem; anime demonstrated that one could do amazing things on micro-budgets. It was a mind-set issue; one had to think outside the box, get past network executives and Standards and Practices. We were warriors fighting the animation good fight, like members of a WW2 bomb-crew as we worked for Richard Raynis’ unit, producing “Kid Video” and “The Real Ghostbusters”.

I also continued to work on “Rainbow Brite”, “The Littles”, “Pole Position”, “Robotman”, “Jayce and the Wheel Warriors”, “Dennis the Menace”, and “COPS”, among other projects.

My Beautiful Career Installment 7

2010-01-25T20:40:00.000-08:00

With trepidation, I left my job at Norton Simon. I’d been afraid to quit previously, and averaged 4 hours of sleep per night for the past 2 months. Also, my relationship with Denys was on the skids. I broke up with him in October, right after my father died of his third heart attack. I moved to Silverlake, and my life truly began.

At D.I.C., I realized I could DO this, that I actually had the stuff to make it as a cartoonist. During my 8-month layoff, I’d come to doubt it. One of my fellow new-hirees at Ruby-Spears was a character designer the crew nicknamed “Scruffy” behind his back; he was clearly self-deluded about his abilities as an artist and the question was why he got hired in the first place. Was I self-deluded like Scruffy? What was MY secret nickname? My self-esteem was so low that, at D.I.C., when anyone complemented my boards, I wondered if they were playing a game on me.

I became Bernard’s fair-haired boy; he was my mentor. He saved my life, even if he didn’t know it.

I also acquired a work ethic; eight months of no work put the fear of God in me. Before the layoff, I would step away from projects when I ran up against something I didn’t know how to draw. It took me forever to accomplish anything. Now my attitude was, “Tough, draw it anyway”. I worked 60-hour weeks, grateful for the chance to prove myself.

Malissa Caroselli Goodbye Party

2010-01-25T00:22:00.000-08:00

What: Goodbye party for “Neighbors From Hell” producer Malissa Caroselli.

When: Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Where: Next Door Tapas Lounge, at 11814 Ventura Blvd, in Studio City, California

Why: To wish Malissa a relaxing and rewarding 3 month hiatus from Bento Box and the animation biz in general

Who: Malissa Caroselli (guest of honor), Phil Hayes and Melinda Leasure (the organizers), Brad Rader (the artist), Jen Coyle, Ryan Corbet, Rocket (?), Brittany Bailey, Myra Owyang, Nathan Chew, Nate Clesovich, Jungja Kimwolf, Kyounghee Lim, James McDermont, Tyler Gentry, Kyung Shin, and several other people I didn’t get a chance to sketch.

Why #2: I have a long-range goal to do drawings of everybody I know.

Why #3: I use it as an excuse to talk to people I don’t normally talk to, although I actually prefer drawing people when they don’t know I’m looking at them.

How: By practicing; people in these situations tend to cycle between repetitive poses even if they’re continually moving.

My Beautiful Career Installment 6

2010-01-21T00:03:00.000-08:00

I finally got a freelance board in April ’84, from D.I.C., on the “Rainbow Brite” TV show. D.I.C. was the first American animation studio to use Japanese animation; it was a 3-way partnership between American, French and Japanese corporate interests. My director was Bernard Deyries, part of the French contingent. When I showed him my roughs, he asked if I wanted to do the changes. I said “yes”; what I really meant was, “YES, PLEASE, THANK YOU!” I’d been working blind at Ruby-Spears and Hanna-Barbera, receiving no instruction or feedback beyond, “long shot-medium shot-close up”, “don’t jump cut” and “don’t flop screen direction”.

Bernard changed 2/3rds of my first board, mostly to play out the action, accentuate the mood, and make it more cinematic in general. I’d been trained in the flat, left-to-right H&B style, and indoctrinated that the script was sacred. I objected, “It wasn’t that way in the script”. “But is this not bett-air?” he rejoined.

The light went on in my head. “Wow—I get to actually make this good”. My dawning awareness seemed to work for Bernard as well; he only changed a quarter of my second board, and then offered me a staff position.

My Beautiful Career Installment 5

2010-01-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

I was devastated when I was fired in mid-June, just before the two-month cap when John Dorman would have to explain to the Union the reason for my termination. John suggested that I apply for work at Hanna-Barbera, and I was immediately able to pick up freelance from Kay Wright. I worked for him for 2 months on “Richie Rich”, “The Dukes of Hazard” and “The Little Rascals”.

I handed in my final board of the season to Kay in early August of ’83. That very weekend, I attended my first San Diego Comic Con. I took my portfolio with me, assuming I’d find work immediately. After all, I was an Art Center graduate and a seasoned professional.

Things didn’t turn out that way. I was met by indifference, rejection or critique by the various editors and professionals I shoved my portfolio in front of. Some of them were quite helpful, once I let go of my pride enough to let their comments in. Mark Evanier and Bruce Patterson especially stand out in my memory.

The fall/winter of ’83 and spring of ’84 was the most harrowing period of my career. I couldn’t find work of any kind. Finally, in January, I got a job as a museum guard at the Norton Simon, in Pasadena. I would surreptiously sketch the patrons and art objects as I stood at my post for 6 hours a day, 4 days a week. At home, I honed my chops, re-worked my portfolio, and fought with my boyfriend.

My Beautiful Career Installment 4

2010-01-13T15:27:00.000-08:00

I attended my parent’s Alma Mater, Kansas University, for my freshman year, then transferred to Art Center College of Design, in Pasadena, California, graduating in March of 1983.

I was living with my first boyfriend, Denys, and set aside my plans to move to New York City and break in to Comics. I needed work, and managed to con my way into a storyboarding gig at Ruby-Spears, which was a subsidiary of Hanna-Barbera, and located across the street from H&B on Cahuenaga Boulevard. The item in my portfolio that caught the eye of the director, John Dorman, was a school project: a marker comp advertising board illustrating the play of “Tempest”, an Atari video game. On my first day of work, John asked me, offhandedly, if I knew what a pan and a truck were. “Sure”, I said. As soon as John left the room, I turned to my new cube-mate, Dan Riba, another recent art school grad working his first professional job. “What’s a pan and a truck”, I asked him.

I was now a full-fledged storyboard artist, but I didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. I had to learn everything on the job. I would have preferred working my way in as a clean-up artist or assistant, but was thrown off the deep end and had to learn to swim as best I could.

I worked on “The Puppy’s New Adventures” and “Rubik’s Cube”. The studio was also doing “Mr. T” during this period, but I didn’t get to work on that series.

I found myself working alongside an unsuspected world of amazing artists: Thom Enriquez, Jim Woodring, Bob Kline, Curt Connors, Wendell Washer, among others. My question to them was, “Why aren’t you drawing comic books?” I soon found out the answer to that for myself, and I’ll tell you about it as we go along.

I also got to meet Jack Kirby, who I hadn’t yet come to appreciate, and Doug Wildey, who I fawned over like the slavish fan-boy I was.

My Beautiful Career Installment 3

2010-01-11T15:05:00.000-08:00

Actually, Chaykin was responsible for my falling in love with Toth. I had dug Chaykin from the time he’d been inked by Neal Adams on “Sword of Sorcery”, and had been brought along by him as he started increasingly imitating Toth. The tipping point came when Gold Key reprinted “Paul Revere’s Ride” to commemorate the nation’s bi-centennial. “Hey, this is sort of like Chaykin”, I thought to myself. “This is kind of cool. Actually, it’s REALLY cool”. A switch flipped in my skull, and I was and am a Toth junky to this day.

During this period, I discovered underground comics. I was especially taken with Richard Corben and Robert Crumb. I loved Crumb’s constant stylistic and storytelling experimentation. I was also in awe of his sexual candor. I was a terminally closeted young gay man growing up in Anchorage Alaska. I thought I would be ostracized if my dark secret was discovered. To see Crumb laying it all out was a beacon of hope.

“Heavy Metal” magazine premiered, and I discovered the European cartoonists, especially Moebius and Caza. Another big event was when Russ Cochran began reprinting the entire EC line, shooting from the original artwork in pristine black and white. I eagerly anticipated the first set, “Weird Science”, for the art by Wally Wood and Al Williamson. Instead I was floored by the pre-Mad comics by Harvey Kurtzman, especially his story, “The Man Who Stopped Time"

My Beautiful Career Installment 2

2010-01-06T09:06:00.000-08:00

However, I found that I couldn’t draw anything twice, let alone 24 times per second. As I turned 12, I decided to focus on drawing comic books as a means to acquiring the chops necessary for being an animator. I started collecting comics for research purposes in the summer of ’71. Up until that time, I’d been interested mainly in “Mad Magazine” and “Archie” comics. Superhero comics seemed pointless and stupid; whoever was strongest would win, so who cared? However, I discovered the work of Neal Adams, and to a lesser extent, other realistic artists like Gray Morrow, Al Williamson, Alex Kotsky and Doug Wildey. I was in awe of their ability to make their characters look so lifelike. Jack Kirby was too weird, too abstract; Alex Toth was too simple. Barry Smith and Bernie Wrightson’s characters looked deformed to me.

I fell in love with Marvel and DC continuity, escaping into those worlds the way others have found refuge with Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, Star Wars, and so on. I dreamed of moving to New York City, and becoming like the son and or brother of the cartoonists I so admired; one big, happy family.

As I matured, other influences took hold. Will Eisner’s “The Spirit” was a major mind blower when Warren Publishing started re-issuing it in 1974. I came to admire the previously maligned Wrightson, and Smith, as well as John Buscema, Gene Colan, Gil Kane, Carmine Infantino, Mike Kaluta, Arthur Rackham, Frank Frazetta, Mort Drucker, Wally Wood, Jim Steranko, and Howard Chaykin among others.However, I found that I couldn’t draw anything twice, let alone 24 times per second. As I turned 12, I decided to focus on drawing comic books as a means to acquiring the chops necessary for being an animator. I started collecting comics for research purposes in the summer of ’71. Up until that time, I’d been interested mainly in “Mad Magazine” and “Archie” comics. Superhero comics seemed pointless and stupid; whoever was strongest would win, so who cared? However, I discovered the work of Neal Adams, and to a lesser extent, other realistic artists like Gray Morrow, Al Williamson, Alex Kotsky and Doug Wildey. I was in awe of their ability to make their characters look so lifelike. Jack Kirby was too weird, too abstract; Alex Toth was too simple. Barry Smith and Bernie Wrightson’s characters looked deformed to me.

My Beautiful Career Installment 1

2010-01-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

This is my story. It’s the tale of a young man growing up in Alaska who has a dream. His life journey is complete with adventures, life changes and career opportunities he never could have imagined. Like most good stories, there are many twists and turns. Here we go.

I’m the fourth child of 6 with 2 older brothers, an older sister, and 2 younger sisters. My family moved to Alaska in 1963, when I was 3 years old. My father followed his older brother, Uncle John, to the land of the Midnight Sun. “It’s the land of opportunity”, Uncle John proclaimed, and he would have known; he was the first Attorney General of Alaska when it gained statehood in 1959, and served as a State Senator throughout the 1960s and early 70s.

Mother was an ex-grade schoolteacher. Father was a Freudian analyst, the only one in the state for several years. I joke with my friends who complain of Catholic or Jewish damage that I grew up with Atheist-Freudian-Skinnerian damage.

As a child, I loved animation, especially Disney and Warner Brothers cartoons, and the Hanna Barbera action adventure TV shows designed by Alex Toth. In 5^th grade I wished everything I watched on TV could be an animated cartoon, even if (or especially if) it was the cheapo Filmation kind, where characters would slide across the screen, cut off at the waist to avoid animating walk cycles.

My parents sealed the deal when they gave me the book “The Art of Disney Animation” for my 11th birthday. I decided I was going to be a Disney animator in the footsteps of Milt Kahl and Frank Thomas. The book decried, in its final chapter, the lack of inspiration in the up and coming crop of young animation artists. I vowed to reverse that trend single handedly.

Self portraits

2010-01-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

A friend requested a sketch of myself, as in self-portrait. I did the first in pen and ink, and thought it sucked egregiously. I tried again, a day later, using ballpoint pen. This is what I mostly use to sketch with these days; I'm thinking about trying to develop a style around it. I like the results somewhat better.

Pink Kryptonite

2009-12-29T00:13:00.000-08:00

Spurred by Dale Lazarov's blog posts about the virtues of Curt Swan and his depictions of mature men, I have made a first attempt at imitating his style, as inked by George Klein. Check out his blog at

http://swanderful.tumblr.com/

Chrismas Day Sketches

2009-12-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

I did these sketches at an Xmas Day party at a friend's house. The party was bitchin'. Bill Fulton, and the host, Allan Killpatric jammed (Bill on piano, Allan on drums) in the living room after Xmas dinner. Check out Bill's site www.billfulton.com He's a professional musician and film scorer, among other things.

George is the father of the hostess, Georgia Brewer.

Publication Date For "Fogtown"

2009-12-23T11:34:00.000-08:00

August 3, 2010. My birthday. Also, the official publication date for "Fogtown", the crime/noir graphic novel. Written by Anderson Gabrych. Illustrated by me. Published by DC/Vertigo as part of their recently launched crime/noir imprint. Check it out on Amazon.com

Fogtown Publication Date Set

2009-12-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

http://www.amazon.com/Fogtown-Anderson-Gabrych/dp/1401213847/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261595716&sr=1-8

CTN Animation Expo

2009-12-07T21:13:00.000-08:00

I attended the CTN Animation Expo at the Burbank Marriott, on November 20-22, 2009. It was way cool, surprisingly well attended. I donated 3 pieces of original artwork to the "Help the Hodges" Benefit Auction that was being solicited by C.A.P.S. member and Disney animation artist Chad Frye. The auction will take place on January 21. 2010, on Ebay. To learn more about the tragic curcumstance of Matthew Hodge, and see the art for the auction, go to http://www.helpthehodges.com/

I sat in on a few seminars. The first was by Lee Silber; "Marketing From The Left Side of the Brain". It inspired me, belatedly, to do more self-promotion. (Hence, this blog.)

At one point, Lee had us audience members turn to our neighbors and interview them. Mine turned out to be Steve Aranguran, recently separated from Disney TV's European office. He's back in the LA area to figure out what to do next, career-wise. We had something in common; I too have worked at Disney TV, on the Gargoyles, Tarzan, and Atlantis TV series.

Vipassana Retreat, Installment 22

2009-09-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2009, 10:21 PM

During Shinzen’s goodbye talk on Sunday morning, he thanked us for allowing him to lead the Yaza, something he rarely gets a chance to do. He asked if we understood why he was thanking us. He explained that, on most retreats, he doesn’t have the luxury of staying up all night then being tired and spacey the next couple of days. In this case, he could take that risk because we were so together and chilled out as a group. Usually, he has to be prepared with putting out various fires, to deal with students having an emotional meltdown. I felt all warm and fuzzy from that complement. I had had several emotional incidents, but dealt with them mindfully.

Several students expressed similar feeling during the talking circle that followed Shinzen’s talk. This had been an unusually profound retreat. Or, like me, they’d had a renewed connection with the practice after several years of drifting away. When it was my turn to “manifest” (I raised my hand and waited for Shinzen to call on me), I shared along similar lines. I had gotten a lot more out of this retreat than the previous one. It was more than my decision to stay on site instead of commuting. I committed to participate fully, to be receptive and open. “Participation is the key to harmony”; this concept can be applied to all areas of my life. I can choose to participate in my primary relationship, in politics, in my neighborhood. The question is, what am I going to participate in, and how much do I commit to each one? Luckily, I don’t have to do it perfectly.

Ray “manifested” that he was trying to come out of his shell, join the human race (my words, not his). He had volunteered to lead the walking meditation and put his facilitation sign-up sheet on the table with that purpose in mind. He’d dropped his sheet off in the morning and checked it later to find that nobody had signed up. Okay, don’t take it personally. He checked it again later, found that his roommate had signed up. “Great, a mercy facilitation”. Okay; it could still work… He was afraid I’d stand him up… (he sounded like he’s as big a basket case as I am) “It turned out to be a good session”, he concluded.

Ray and I sat at the same table during the final lunch; he asked me if I was on the contact list. I thought I probably was, but wasn’t sure. Ray said that there was a box one could check on the registration form that specified if one wanted to be on the contact list. I don’t know if I checked it or not.

On of the issues I discussed with Ray in our facilitation session was my fear that I’d revert to my old non-mindful ways when I returned to my regular life. It’s been a week since the retreat; I’ve managed to meditate everyday, and have remained away of the various components of my F.I.T. space. I’m mindful during dinner, though I’ve backslid on breakfast and lunch. My spouse, John, eats mindfully with me at dinner; we’ve kept the TV turned off and don’t read while we eat. I’ve spent most of my time typing up this blog. Once it’s off my plate, I’ll be fully ready to return to my life.

I feel like I should come up with a grand summation, but in Life, nothing ever really ends.

Vipassana Retreat, Installment 21

2009-09-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 2009, 7:47 AM

I have regretted not signing up with other facilitators besides Pam. “Participation is the key to harmony” has been my mantra/motto during the retreat, and I dropped the ball on facilitator talks. It would have been a chance to get to know various people, an otherwise difficult endeavor during a silent retreat. Yesterday morning I made one last look on the sign-in sheet table to see if there were any open slots I missed. I spotted a fresh page with 2 slots, both available. I checked the name; Shit, it was my roommate, Ray. He sort of freaks me out; what if we have a session and it’s awkward and weird? I sighed, checked my motives. I would be passing on the opportunity due to cowardice and regret it thereafter. The 2 slots were at 1:30 and 3:00 PM. The latter would conflict with the First Timers session, so I wrote my name down in the earlier slot. And immediately regretted it when I remembered the lunch eating meditation, which usually breaks up around 1:45. Should I cross out my name? No, that would be too weird. I guess I could leave the eating meditation early; others have done that, making the “namaste” bow on their way out.

As it happened, we ran into each other in the room before lunch. I asked for a slight postponement because of the eating meditation and he said acceded.

We met in the library nook and moved outside, to the white plastic lawn chairs in under a shady tree near the circular courtyard. I didn’t have an agenda in terms of questions about my practice; I wanted to get to know him a little, as much as anything else.

Ray is about as tall as I, trim but not gaunt, with a shaved bald and a white beard coming in. He said he was 68. His favorite form of meditation is FOCUSING ON INTERNAL TALK. He likes to go on walks, both brisk and super-slow. He was the leader of the walking (super-slow) meditation session on Wednesday afternoon that I attended. He alternates between sitting and walking meditation as a way to deal with the physical discomfort and boredom, doing mostly TALK meditation. I said I like to walk as well, but that I do FOCUS OUT. He replied that he starts to space out on FOCUS OUT after about 10 minutes; he strongly recommended I try TALK.

In fact, he led me in a TALK session right then, having me sit with my eyes closed, labeling TALK and QUIET as the states arose. I was frustrated; I found a lot of unnecessary TALK arising in response to the noting and labeling process itself. I told Ray this.

By way of answering, Ray shared about his history with the TALK technique. He’d thought of himself as a “cold German”. He’d attend retreats and didn’t interact, doing the extensive walking meditations as almost a “fuck you” to the other attendees. He’d get more and more alienated throughout each retreat.

Finally, he discussed the matter with Shinzen during an on-line session. Shinzen had Ray focus on the TALK, teasing apart the IMAGE and FEEL aspects. Up until this time, Ray had been meditating in desperation, attempting to quiet the voices in his head. Something shifted during this session; when Shinzen checked in later, he asked how Ray was doing with the voices. Ray said, “Fine’. At least for the moment, those voices no longer had the power to upset him.

Vipassana Retreat, Installment 20

2009-09-25T14:30:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2009, 7:45 PM

SHINZEN’S FINAL DHARMA TALK

How does one find the still point of the turning world?

Each time one notices a vanishing, one becomes adverted (?) to where phenomena arises from. One can’t actually see it, but if you witness enough turnings, one can get a sense of it. One can turn one’s attention toward “it”, but the source itself is not turning.

If you persevere the “Do Nothing” technique, nothing will “do you”.

-SEPARATE

-ATTENUATE

-UN-FIXATE

-ANHILILATE

-DO NOTHING

Some travelers on this journey encounter power beings, or acquire special powers. One has several options at this point.

-One can freak out and leave the path.

-One can get addicted to the special powers, getting sidetracked from the true direction (toward Zero Point) and become a new age spiritual capitalist materialist.

-One can realize that these experiences are only FEEL/IMAGE/TALK, and not get sidetracked.

-All mystic paths have one common denominator: the development of HIGH CONCENTRATION.

-Another common denominator is EQUANIMITY. It manifests as ASCTETICISM (self-denial, self-torture) in Christianity.

Shinzen ended the talk by reading excerpts from “The Four Quartets”, by T. S. Elliot. He prefaced his readings by explaining that it was a long poem about the path of liberation written during the dark days of WW 11 in England. The poem had many similarities in theme to Shinzen’s dharma talks throughout the retreat.

Vipassana Retreat, Installment 19

2009-09-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2009, 8:05 AM

I wish I’d taken notes on last night’s dharma talk. I’d been frustrated by the previous ones, bored and sort of alienated, which is weird, because I usually dig listening to Shinzen on the radio. He’d been discussing his concept of God in terms of Zero Point, the source of all being in various aspects and strategies for trying to perceive and approach this… whatever. I hadn’t been able to go there with him. Last night, however, he tied it all together. He spoke of his version of the liberation path as a sort of conceptual triangle: ONE source, TWO (of something else; subjective vs. objective? This is why I wish I’d taken notes…), THREE core skills (concentration, clarity and equanimity), FOUR quadrants of happiness, FIVE traditions necessary to the working of the liberation path (CTART; Concepts, Teachers, Application, Rhythm (of daily practice and periodic retreats, and Technique), and SIX themes (see Five Ways-Six Themes handout).